I Wanna Be the One
by doctors gal1792
Summary: Elinor and Harry are childhood playmates and sweeties, having grown up together in Northern Wales. But when Harry runs away to pursue a career on the sea, they lose touch and go their sperate ways.. Now they are reunited and old wounds are hard to heal, especially when sailing for disaster on the RMS Titanic.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

The Perfect Summer

Life can be a funny thing. No matter how hard one may try, it never quite goes the way you intend it to go. For example, Elinor Davies had been born into a lower to middle class family. She had spent her youth in her hometown of Eglwys Rhos in Northern Wales. Her father and older brothers worked in one of the many quarry's in Wales, working in the slate industry. It was hard work, but her father and brother excelled at it. If they wanted for anything, Elinor's mother's family in England provided for them. Her mother had in fact come from a very well to do family and had been less than thrilled about their only daughter marrying a man from below her station. However, they were in love and Elinor's grandparents understood that and appreciated it. As for Elinor, she had been the only girl in a family of older brothers and as a result she grew up scrappy and playful like them. If the boys were getting into trouble, she was never quite far behind. Her face was usually smudged with dirt, tights torn, and shoes caked in mud. In fact, if one were to put twelve year old Elinor beside herself at twenty-seven years old, one would never be able to tell the two girls were the same-except for the small birth mark that rested just above the girl's collarbone. As for her three brothers, Dafyyd, Alun, and Colwyn loved their younger sister and always enjoyed making her part of their games. Even if those games sometimes involved the other boys from school.

"Come on Ella, bet ya can't catch me!"

Elinor ran as fast as she could to catch up with the taller boy who was running at full speed, "Oh I am going to catch you!" She declared with a roar, her Welsh accent coming out in full force. As she ran, a clip fell out of Elinor's hair, letting loose her long blonde hair. She paid it no attention as it flew behind her. She turned the corner of a building and Harry was gone. Elinor frowned took a step forward, wondering where on earth he could have gotten to. That's when arms wrapped around her waist and pulled her down the dark alley that separated the grocers and the mail building. She shrieked from the shock but a hand covered her mouth. Her eyes went wide when she realized it was Harry.

"What are you doin'?!" She yelled, "If my mother or my brothers saw ya doin' this, they'd tan yer hide!"

Harry let go of the girl completely and leaned against the brick wall, "Elinor, you're my best friend," He began, choosing to ignore what she had said about her brothers. "I mean, better than the guys because you don't tease me or harass me or anything." Harry paused and rubbed the back of his neck, "I wanted to tell you something."

Elinor frowned, "What's wrong?"

"I am not going back to school when the summer holiday is over," he told her.

Elinor's face lit up, "Ya mean, you're gon' stay here?" She considered Harry to be one of her very best friends and she had missed him terribly when he had gone away to Barmouth for school.

Harry shook his head, "I wanna go to the sea, Ella."

Her smile dropped, "But," Elinor paused, as if searching for the right words to say, "Why?"

He smiled at her, "It is all I have ever wanted."

"What about your mum and your dad?" She asked quietly.

"They'll get on fine. I am going to be fifteen in just a few months, practically a man. I need to get out into the world and do what is best for me."

She tucked some of her blonde hair behind her face and kicked a rock that was just right in front of her boot, "But—what about," she faltered.

"What about what?" Harry asked, looking at her closely.

"What about me?"

"I mean," Harry rubbed his neck again, "I'm not going anywhere until term begins. Once I go back to school I am gonna leave from there for the sea. We have the whole summer!"

Elinor crossed her arms, "Whole summer for what exactly? You're just gonna leave anyway."

He stared at the girl, who really was starting to no longer look like a girl. She was almost fourteen years old and Harry had noticed her changing as she aged. The thought had never occurred to him, that Elinor-his Ella-would miss him or be upset about his departure. Though, he did know that he was going to miss her terribly. He smiled and stepped closer to the girl. Harry put a hand under her chin and brought her face up to look at him, "Well I will write everyday and I'll be back to visit after I get myself a good paying job."

She stared up into his eyes, "You promise? You promise you won't forget about me?"

"I promise I-" he faltered, "Elinor there is something else that I have been wanting to tell you for a really long time."

She frowned again, "What is it?"

It was his turn to kick a rock, "I don't think of you as one of the guys. I mean you've always hung out with us like you're one of the guys, but...I don't see you that way, at least I don't anymore."

"Harry," her voice sounded high pitched and odd, like something was forcing its way up her throat because she could only assume the worst was coming.

Harry stared down at her and was quiet for a long time before reaching down towards her face and kissing her. Elinor's eyes went wide at the shock of the kiss, but she did not fight it. She leaned into the kiss, enjoying all of the new feelings and sensations that was coursing through her body. Is this really what kissing was like? She thought to herself. Was her body supposed to feel like it was on fire? But it was also tingling, was that normal? She felt her skin flush and get hot under his hand and Elinor honestly felt like she could stand there, transfixed in that moment for the rest of time. She never wanted it to end and at some point her eyes had fluttered shut as Harry continued to kiss her. It was awkward and weird, she thought, that two people would put their mouths together and do this, but she still enjoyed it.

"Wot are ya doing?!"

The two jumped apart and turned to see Mr. Ifans, the owner of the grocers, staring at the two, his face red with anger, "That's not proper behavior! Ya go on and get outta here and don't let me catch ya doin' it again!"

Elinor exchanged an embarrassed look with Harry and the two walked out of the alley and up the road towards the direction of the Davies' home. Somewhere along the way, Elinor found herself holding Harry's hand and they walked in silence. When they finally reached the gated yard of Elinor's home, she turned to face Harry. "So, what now?

Harry nodded, smiling nervously. He wondered in the back of his mind if they were going to talk about what had happened between them. "What now what?" He glanced towards the house and saw Elinor's father and oldest brother Alun were home, they were standing just inside the bay window talking to Elinor's mother. He suddenly remembered the threat Elinor had given him, her mother and brothers would kill him if they knew he had kissed their sister.

"Harry, you kissed me..." she said slowly.

He nodded, "Yes...yes I did."

"I would not be opposed to you kissing me again," Elinor said slowly, "So long as my mum and dad don't know about it."

Harry laughed, "Are we courting?"

Elinor put her hands on her hips, "Yer tha one who said he didn' see me as one of the guys."

Harry laughed again, Elinor's welsh accent always became incredibly thick the angrier she got. "Then I suppose we are courting," he told her, matter of frankly.

Elinor smiled brightly at him, "Okay."

Harry leaned in quickly and placed a gentle kiss on her cheek.

"Oh that is disgusting!"

He and Elinor turned and saw Colwyn and Daffudd coming up the road. The twin boys were the middle children and only a few months older than Harry, "Wot would ya go and do a thing like kiss ma sister for?" Dafyyd asked, incredulously.

Elinor swung a kick at his shin the minute she could, "It isn't any of yer business. Now shut your mouths or I'll tell mum you were swimming naked in the pond again last night!"

Dafyyd glared at his sister, "You wouldn't!"

"Oh I would, you irchin. Now go inside and leave us be!" Elinor declared.

"Women can be so weird!" Colwyn said, shaking his head and grabbing his younger brother by the arm to lead him up the path and into the house.

Elinor and Harry watched until they were inside and then Harry looked back at Elinor, "I should probably get home. Mum will be serving supper soon."

Elinor looked at him, "See ya tomorrow after church?"

Harry nodded, "Yeah."

True to his word, Harry and Elinor saw each other the next day after church. The group still ran and played as if nothing had ever changed, except now Elinor and Harry held hands whenever they walked places together and sometimes he would steal a kiss when her older brothers weren't paying attention. The night before he left for school, Harry snuck out of his house to give Elinor one last goodbye. She did not want to break the hug, for the fear and dread that something might happen to him.

"Promise you'll write," she cried into his coat.

"Everyday," Harry assured her, brushing down her hair which was cascading down her back.

They made one last final goodbye, and Harry kissed her deeply on the lips, "I love you Elinor."

"I love you too," she responded, "Be safe my sailor boy."

"Always."

He pressed one more kiss onto her forehead and then took off back towards his home. Elinor watched him go, a feeling of overwhelming sadness filling her. She couldn't help but feel as if it would be a very long time before she would see him again. She watched until she could no longer see Harry and then she opened the wrought iron gate and crossed the path up the front walk and into the house. It would be sixteen years before their paths crossed again.

–

When Harry first ran away, there was genuine devastation from his family and many of the members of the community. His first letter home to Elinor arrived three months later. It had been his first chance to sit down and write a note. It was a long and beautiful letter however, explaining in great detail everything he had seen and done in the past few months. She immediately wrote back to him and told him everything that was happening back at home. In the meantime, she had stopped playing in the mud running wild with her brothers. In fact, she was going to live in London with her grandparents so as to attend an exclusive girls school. She told Harry how to write to her there. Then the letters slowly became shorter and vaguer—then they stopped all together. Elinor lost contact with her sailor boy within three years and at that point she had forced herself to move on. She had cried too many tears over the boy who had given her, her first kiss and it was high time that she had moved on. Elinor began pursuing more feminine crafts and at seventeen in 1900, she married the son of a wealthy London banker. On her wedding day, Elinor cried because she was marrying the man because "it was a fine match" and her heart still largely belonged to that boy she had not seen in four years. Elinor began pursuing acting, much to the dismay of her grandparents, but her husband encouraged her and paid for her classes and costumes. She was a very good actress too and began performing all over Europe, plays and one act shows. As for her marriage, she and Joseph remained relatively happy but no children came from the relationship. In 1911 Joseph contracted a bad cause of the flu and passed away. Elinor returned home to Wales for a short time to stay with her mother and father. It was good for her to be back in Wales-her home country where she honestly felt as if her strength came from. Sometimes she saw Harry's parents, but she never dared to ask them how their son was or where he was.

In February of 1912, Elinor was asked to come to America for an exclusive tour of the country's stages where she would perform some of her best renditions of Shakespeare. She agreed and booked a ticket for a trip in April on the RMS Titanic. The tour would start in May in New York City and so Elinor saw it as the perfect opportunity to enjoy the White Star Line's newest and grandest ship to date. Her brother Dafyyd was to go with her, not as a chaperone, but simply because Elinor was afraid of traveling alone. Her brother had also gone into banking, having worked with Elinor's husband in London. Very soon, her paths would cross once again with her sailor boy Harry-proving once again that life was not going to quite go how she had planned it.

Xxx

Reviews are cool.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter Two

Old Friends

"Elinor, promise you will wire us just as soon as you have boarded."

She laughed, leaning out of the window of her car, "Of course mother, and we will let you know just as soon as we arrive in New York, right Dafyyd?" Elinor beamed at her brother.

"As soon as, if not sooner," he laughed.

"And Louisa will take good care of the both of us," Elinor assured her mother as she reached for the hand of her maid. They had been together since Elinor had married Joseph, and now the two could not be separated.

"Louisa, do try and enjoy yourself on this trip," Mrs. Davies urged the maid.

Louisa laughed, "Yes ma'am."

"I love your mother," Elinor said, beaming.

"I love you too mother," Dafyyd said, leaning in closer to his sister.

"You two behave and come home soon," Mrs. Davies told her children. She leaned over and kissed them both on the cheeks, "Stay safe."

The car pulled away from the old worn house that Elinor and her brother had grown up in, in Wales and headed north for Southampton. She was elated to finally be going to New York and to see America. She was already very well known throughout Europe's social circles for her performances, having traveled to Europe, Germany, and even Russia to perform for aristocrats and royalty. Her family always remarked on how Elinor had gone through the most dramatic change in status and life. She had not done bad for herself, considering she grew up the daughter of a quarry worker. This trip to America however, it was sure to be a wonderful opportunity for her career to expand her horizons. When combined with the thought of traveling on the Titanic, the most talked about ship in England, Ireland, and Wales combined, it was sure to be a wonderful experience.

Elinor and her brother arrived in Southampton on the evening of April ninth, and very early the next morning they arrived at the docks. The ship was even grander in person, and Elinor was awestruck.

"She is beautiful, isn't she?" Dafyyd remarked, staring up at the ship.

"Indeed." Elinor watched as a steward unloaded her car and began to load a cart on wheels with their trunks. "Sir, where do we board?" She asked politely.

"Just down that way, ma'am!" He pointed towards a gangplank that other people were walking up.

Elinor looked down at her mauve colored traveling suit, pulled a hair off the jacket, and began to walk towards the gangplank. Louisa and her brother followed closely behind, with the steward not far off after them. When they arrived at the entrance, a man in a blue uniform greeted them, "Your tickets ma'am?" He asked in a polite but firm voice, that sounded vaguely familiar.

Louisa quickly handed the boarding passes to Elinor, who showed them to the man, paying no attention to the individual, instead admiring the fine wood finish just inside the entrance to the ship, "Right, go down here to the right and a steward will help you the rest of the way." He handed the boarding pass back to her.

"Thank you sir," Elinor finally looked up at him and smiled kindly before beginning her journey to find her stateroom.

Louisa nodded at the man and Dafyyd tipped his hat at the officer before following Elinor.

The fifth officer felt as if his whole body had gone numb as he stared after the trio. He never would have known it was her because of that accent, she sounded so British-but that smile was still the smile. Her bright blue eyes were still bright and twinkling, and her hair, though covered by a large hat, was still shiny and think. He continued to stare, completely dumb struck, until he heard an impatient voice, "May I board now?!" He turned to look back at the older woman whose shrill voice had interrupted his reverie and he vaguely remembered nodding, "Of course ma'am. Welcome to Titanic."

–

"I say," Dafyyd said as they got farther down the hall, "That man looked terribly familiar, didn't you think so Elinor?"

She shrugged, "I barely noticed." It was true, Elinor had been so focused on how beautiful the inside of the ship looked, she had barely looked at the officer. At long last, they finally arrived at their staterooms. The steward turned the key in the lock and allowed them entrance into the room. "Oh it is so lovely!" She exclaimed.

Dafyyd and Louise followed closely behind her and he quickly took his hat off, setting it down onto the sofa, "Indeed. The white star line surely have outdone themselves this time. I shall have to tell Ismay what a fine job they have done."

Elinor made a face at the mention of Bruce Ismay. She had met him once before when he and his wife had attended one of her shows, and she had never been very impressed with him. He was always boasting and full of himself. He was however, a customer of her brother's bank and the two had developed a rather good friendship, so she was polite to Ismay if only for that reason. "I think I will change," she said, changing the subject, "And take in the air on the boat deck. I would love to see the ship off and see what it is like just being out on the open water."

–

"Harold, mate, you have barely said two words since we took off this morning. What has gotten into you?"

Harold looked up from the cold cup of tea that was in his hands. He had been standing in the bridge, for god knows how long, staring out at the ocean that was ahead of him. After he had finished loading passengers onto the ship, he had gone to fix himself a cup of tea, hoping that would help the cold feeling that had gripped his insides. It was Elinor. It had to be Elinor-his Elinor. He had been a storm of emotions since, guilt, sadness, and love. Of course he still loved her, he had never stopped loving her. It had gotten complicated though, and he was gone for so long that it got hard to get letters out. Then he had gone to London, he had flowers and he was going to surprise her at her grandmother's house, but he had seen her in the front parlor, another man sitting beside her who was absolutely beaming at her. She had not seemed completely interested, but he thought it best to leave her alone, she was clearly being courted and it would not be proper for him to intrude. He looked up at Jim Moody who was staring at him, exacerbated, "Yeah I am fine...just saw someone I never thought I would see again."

"Oh, I see. Well if you-"

"Lowe, can you fetch a cup of tea for me?"

The two men turned to see Captain Smith standing there and Harold nodded quickly, "Yes sir."

He rushed off to the kitchens and quickly prepared a cup of tea. He remembered Murdoch telling him that morning that the Captain liked it with two sugars, which he carefully dropped into the cup. When the beverage was complete, he carefully carried it upstairs and found the Captain standinge out on the deck, looking down at the lower decks. It was a beautiful day and the ship was moving so fast and smoothly. Harold normally always felt better when he was on the sea. He loved sailing and this was supposed to be no different. However, he could not help but think about Elinor and how much he had lost with her.

"It is a gorgeous day," Captain Smith said, a smile in his voice.

"Indeed sir," Harold looked at the Captain and then looked out at the decks below. People must have gotten settled and were now moving towards the decks to take in the fresh sea air. He scanned the faces, wondering if Elinor would be one of them. He would give anything to say hello to her one time.

–

 _"Ow!"_

 _Harry had been running and Elinor had been chasing him but Elinor's pained exclamation made him stop and he turned to see the girl on the ground. Her stockings were ripped and she was on the ground. "What happened?" He rushed back over to her and offered her hands to help her up._

 _Elinor tried to stand, "Ow ow ow!" She cried and this time fat tears welled up in her eyes, "Oh lord that hurts!"_

 _Harry bent down to look at her closer, "What happened?" He repeated._

 _"My foot got caught in that loose brick over there," she pointed to where there was now a stone loose from the road, "And my foot kind of twisted when I fell down."_

 _"Shit," Harry whispered._

 _Elinor hit him on the arm, "You aren't supposed to say that word!"_

 _Harry rolled his eyes, "Alright put your arms around my neck right here." She did as she was told and then without warning, Harry slipped his arms under her, one wrapped around her waist and the other held her legs. He stood to his full height , held Elinor tightly and began to carry her home. "You might've sprained it," He told her quietly._

 _"My mum is goin' to kill me," she moaned, "Look at my tights!"_

 _"I am more worried about your foot," he told her, but he smiled._

 _When they finally reached the front door of her yard, Harry carefully set her down into the swing that hung on the front porch. He went to the front door and then knocked politely. Elinor's mother greeted him a moment later, "Yes, what is it Harold?"_

 _"Uh Elinor fell and hurt her ankle." He stepped to the side so that Mrs. Davies could come out of the home and see her only daughter on the porch._

 _"Oh Elinor Anwen Davies, I have told you time and time again not to run!" She fussed, "Can you walk?"_

 _She shook her head, "It hurts too much mum."_

 _"Well your pa and brothers are not here and I will have to go and fetch the doctor," Mrs. Davies pinched the bridge of her nose, "Harry can ya carry in her inside and put her upstairs?"_

 _Harry's ears turned red. He had not been in Elinor's room since they were small children, but he just nodded his head, "Yes ma'am." He carefully picked her up again and carried her upstairs to her room. Elinor was giggling the entire time, almost completely forgetting about the pain in her foot._

 _"I will be back soon. Behave and Harry help yourself to whatever is in the kitchen," Mrs. Davies said when she appeared in her daughter's bedroom a moment later._

 _"Okay," Harry said quietly._

 _Elinor had already placed a pillow under her injured foot and was looking at her mother in the doorway. She watched her mother leave the room and listened for the sound of the front door shutting. "I don't think I've ever seen ya so embarrassed." She giggled mirthfully._

 _Harry looked back at Elinor, "If your father came home and found me in here he would murder me."_

 _"Oh daddy won't be home for awhile yet," Elinor glanced at the clock._

 _Harry carefully tucked a stray piece of hair out of her face, "You are going to get me into trouble."_

 _She shrugged, "You kissed me first."_

 _Harry leaned down and kissed her right on the nose, "And I have paid for it everyday since then."_

–

"Hi I am just looking for Mr. Ismay, he's a customer at my bank and he told me to say hello. Someone said he might be up here."

Harold turned around and there was Dafyyd, Elinor's older brother. He was talking to Murdoch who was listening intently to Dafyyd's request. "I'm sorry Mister Davies, but I have not seen him this morning," Will told him politely. He turned to look at Harold and Captain Smith, "Lowe, Captain, have either of you see Mr. Ismay this morning?"

Harold shook his head quickly but did not respond.

"I believe he may be taking in tea at the cafe," Captain Smith said warmly, "He invited me but I declined."

Dafyyd nodded his head and was about to respond but then his face screwed up into one of confusion, "Hold on, Lowe did you say?"

"Yes, this is fifth officer Harold Lowe," The Captain smacked Harold on the back, "A fine officer indeed."

"Harold Lowe!" Dafyyd rushed over to him, "Old sport, it is so good to see you again!"

"Hello Dafyyd," Harold's voice came out in a higher pitch than normal and he cleared his throat, "How have you been?"

"Oh just marvelous. I am accompanying Elinor to America. She is going on a tour of the country's big theaters to do her Shakespeare performances," He laughed, "She has become a marvelous actress. She'll be elated to know you're here!"

Harold almost choked, "Shakespeare performances?"

"Aye, she is a renowned actress! Surely you've seen the posters in London!" Dafyyd said, "Your mum and dad came to one!"

Harold's face soured, "What?"

"Oh when are you off duty? We have to go find Elinor, she'll be so pleased!"

Harold looked nervously to the Captain and to Will then back to Dafyyd, "Your estimation that Elinor would be happy to see me seems a bit overstated. It uh-" he pulled at his collar. Was it hot in here? He felt so uncomfortable and like he needed air, except he was outside in the fresh air in the middle of the ocean, "Things did not end well between us."

Dafyyd just laughed, "Oh she is fine. She married and they were quite happy! She never even talks about you so I doubt she even remembers what happened between the two of you."

"Were?" Harold repeated.

"Aye, Joseph died just a few years ago. She moved on from whatever you two were doing as children," Dafyyd shrugged, "You have to join us for supper if your Captain will allow it!"

Harold looked at the Captain again. Captain Smith shrugged, "Your shift will end at five today so if you wish to dine with old friends then you may do so."

Harold sighed, "I don't know Dafyyd. It just seems like a bad idea to me."

"No it will be great! Join us tonight in the dining saloon. I think Elinor is dining with some of her socialite friends but we can make room for you at the table. She will be so happy to see you!" Dafyyd assured Harold.

"I guess," Harold mumbled quietly.

"Well it is settled then," Dafyyd beamed, "I will see you tonight!"

Harold watched Dafyyd shake hands with the Captain and Murdoch and then take off.

"What was that about?" Will asked, looking at Lowe who still seemed shaken.

"I grew up with him and his sister Elinor-" He broke off, "I courted her when I was fourteen."

"Oh," Will's face suddenly turned into one of understanding, "Stopped writing, eh?"

Harold shrugged, "It was complicated."

"Well now is your chance to make right any wrong doings on your part," the Captain said with a warm smile, "In the meantime you still have work to do. So please go do so."

Harold nodded his head, "Yes sir." He took one last glance down at the decks and spotted Dafyyd rushing over to a beautiful woman who was leaning over the sides of the ship looking down at the water. He could just barely make out her face when she looked up at her brother, and she was so incredibly beautiful, it overwhelmed Harold.

"Oh Dafyyd, I hate surprises!" Elinor complained. She tucked a piece of hair behind her ear that had come loose in the wind, "Who on Earth could you have run into that you do not want to tell me?"

"You will see tonight, but you will be happy!" Dafyyd told her.

She shook her head, "I will have to tell Lady Duff Gordon since it is HER supper table!"

Dafyyd rolled his eyes, "Then go find your fancy friends and tell them."

Elinor glanced over at Louise who was standing on the other side of her at the railings of the ship, "Come on Louise. If I am going to get lost on this ship I would rather be with a friend rather than my annoying big brother."

Louise laughed, "Yes ma'am."

Thankfully, Lady Duff Gordon had been quite alright with the new guest, assuring Elinor that any guest of her brother's was a guest of hers. Elinor racked her brain all afternoon, trying to figure out who the guest could be but she could not quite place her finger on any one individual. Finally the time came to change for supper and she wore one of her finest gowns. She wore a long red velvet gown that was beaded with a red lace train that draped around her front and back. It was pulled together with a diamond belt around her waist. Elinor's long blonde hair was pulled up with a diamond headband placed around the crown of her head. She looked every bit the famous actress and intended to stun her friends at the table that evening. She glanced at the photo of her husband Joseph that was sitting on the dresser. Though she had not wanted to marry him, and never truly loved him the way a wife loves a husband, she had come to adore him as a friend and there were days when she missed his companionship desperately. When it was time to leave for supper, her brother Dafyyd escorted her to the saloon. They nodded at people and shook hands with acquaintances or those who knew of her as the actress. They finally arrived at their table and Elinor went around greeting everyone. To her dismay, Mister Ismay also joined them at the table. She had yet to see who this surprise guest was. They all sat down at the table and Elinor was just picking up her glass of wine when Dafydd jumped from his seat.

"There you are, old sport!" He exlaimed. "Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to introduce a very dear old friend of mine and Elinor's. Fifth Officer Harold Lowe."

Elinor's eyes locked with Harold. Her glass tumbled from her hands and then everything went black.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter Three

Be Calm

"She just fainted!"

"What on Earth!"

"Elinor!"

"Ella?"

Ella's head stirred as she felt a cold cloth on her forehead and the allure of a familiar voice. "What happened?" She mumbled, though her eyes had yet to open.

"Ella, you fainted," the familiar voice said quietly.

She squinted up at the face and saw the concerned face of the man she had loved so long ago. Her first love, who now stared down at her with the same big eyes as he had last done all of those years previously. Was this a dream? He was not really there above her-his face had matured so much and he looked so handsome in his navy blue suit. An officer, she almost smiled up at him and then suddenly she remembered-this was the man who had broken her heart. The man who had promised to write and to visit but who had stopped caring. The man she spent too many nights crying over, and just like that Elinor was shoving him away from her and she saw Cosmo Duff Gordon offering a hand and she eagerly took, rising to her feet. When Elinor was upright, she saw every last face in the dining saloon staring at her.

"What on Earth is wrong?" Someone whispered nearby.

"Perhaps her stays are too tight," another whispered.

Elinor straightened out her dress and looked at the table where she had been sitting. The cloth was soaked from her glass of wine that she had dropped. "Lucille?" She asked awkwardly, looking at Lady Gordon, "I beg your pardon but you will have to excuse me. I am not ah-" She glared at Harold and her brother, "I am not feeling well. I think I should go to my room."

"Of course, darling!" Lucille said, "Here let one of us escort you back."

Elinor shook her head, "No I will be fine. I have interrupted your beautiful supper long enough. I can make it back on my own."

"Oh Elinor, really!" Cosmo said, "It is no trouble."

"No please, I would prefer to walk alone," Elinor said quietly. Emotions were starting to overwhelm her and she could still feel Harold's concerned gaze on her.

"Well if you are truly sure," Lucille frowned, "Here are your gloves, darling."

Elinor took them and carefully pulled each of the black silk gloves over her hands and up her arms. She grabbed her small clutch purse off the table, nodded her head out of politeness and took off out of the dining saloon as fast as she could.

"Perhaps I should go talk to her," Dafyyd said, frowning, "I say, I thought for sure she would be elated to see you."

Harold looked so angry when he looked up at Dafyyd, "Really?" He shook his head, "I am going to go." He abruptly shook Dafyyd's hand and left the dining saloon.

When he finally made it up to the decks, he was about to turn and head back to the officers quarters, but then he heard quiet crying. He looked around for the source and then glimpsed Elinor, sitting on a deck chair. Her face was buried in her hands and her body was heaving as she cried. Reason told him to leave her alone, she clearly did not want to see him. Harold had never really been one to listen to reason. He quietly approached her and cleared his throat, "Uh hi, Ella."

She turned to look at him and Harold felt his heart break at the sight of her. Makeup was running down her face and her eyes were red, "What in God's name do you want?"

"I was worried about you. I was going to go back to the bridge but I heard you crying," he mumbled.

"Oh you were worried? That makes a nice change!" She scoffed, "You son of a bitch. You have some nerve!"

When Elinor had first talked to him from the floor of the dining saloon, she sounded so incredibly English and now the harder she cried, the more her Welsh accent came out. "I am sorry," he told her, "I never meant for this to happen."

Elinor stood quickly to her feet and shoved him, "I waited for you and I told everyone you were going to come and get me. We were going to get married and I was going to be the proud wife of a noble sailor. But you were done waiting on me I suppose," she shoved him again, "You just forgot about me and stopped writing. You never came to London to see me, you never did any of the things you promised. You lied!" She cried.

Harold looked like a wounded puppy who had just been scolded for doing something he should not have been doing in the first place. He took his hat off and sighed, "I have never forgotten about you."

Elinor scoffed, "Oh bull shit!"

"I uh-" He rubbed the back of his neck and saw a porter staring at them from down the deck. He waved the guy off and sighed, "Ella-"

"Do not call me Ella!" She told him, "You lost that right."

Harold's emotions were threatening to overwhelm him and his voice was thick when he spoke, "I came to London. I bought flowers in Hyde park and I walked to your grandparent's home. I was just about to climb the stairs when I saw you inside the window." Harry looked away because Elinor's face was breaking his heart again and again, "There was a young man beside you and your grandparents seemed to be celebrating. He looked happy, I put two and two together. I was too late."

Elinor's face fell, "Joseph?"

"I think so? I remember my mother sent me the wedding announcement, but I burned it and threw it somewhere into the Atlantic."

"But," Elinor wanted to cry again, "Why did you not stop it before it happened?"

"I just assumed you loved him and were happy. I did not want to break up your happiness."

Elinor reached over and slapped him this time, "You damn fool!" She shouted, "I never loved him, not like I love you!"

Harold stared down at his feet, ignoring the fact that she had slapped him, "I am sorry. I will not bother you anymore. Goodnight, Elinor." He turned to walk away from her and after what seemed like a lifetime, he managed to find his room in the officers quarters.

"Blimey! What in the hell happened to you?!" Boxhall shouted when he saw the red mark on Harold's face.

Harold sighed, "Nothing I did not deserve."

"Lowe?"

He turned to face Officer Murdoch who had just come out of his quarters, "Did everything go okay tonight?"

Lowe scoffed, "Well the woman I never stopped loving hates me and smacked me and I made her cry, so what do you think?"

"Sorry to hear it, son." Murdoch sighed, "Try to get some rest, you will feel better in the morning."

Lowe nodded and entered his room, closing the door shut behind him. He sunk down into his bed and sat in the dark for a long time. Finally, he turned on the lamp beside his bed and walked to his trunk. He rummaged through them for a few minutes and then found a bundle of papers and photos tied together with string. They were all of the letters that they had written, and right on top was a black and white image of Elinor. She was fifteen when she had sent this letter and photo. She smiled coyly in the photo, as if she had a secret to tell and it was only for him.

 _"My dearest, Harry."_ It began, _"I desperately dream of the day when_

 _all of our dreams may come true. I love you my darling and not a day goes_

 _by that I do not think of you. Mum and dad say I should move on but I know_

 _will come home soon and we can marry in Wales. Please keep this photo of_

 _me close and know that I am always with you. Your last letter filled me with_

 _such hope for the future. Before you know it, you will be an officer on a fine_

 _ship! I cannot wait until I can travel on a ship with you. It will be simply_

 _divine. Hurry home soon my dearest, sailor boy. All of my love and affection,_

 _your Ella."_

Harry sighed and looked back at the photo. He could not believe how foolish he had been. Of course she never loved that man who had sat next to her that day! How on Earth was he able to believe that? Ella, his Ella, loved him and adored him. She would leave kiss marks all over letters just for him. He would send back little mementos from places they had docked, and exquisite love letters that his friends had teased him for writing. He had never been embarrassed about her though. That day when he went to London, he had wanted to ask for permission to marry her. He sighed and carefully wrapped the letters back up, returning them back to their spot in the trunk. It was becoming too painful to look at them and he was tired. He laid down on the bed, his uniform still on and instead of being able to fall asleep, he stared up at the ceiling of his state room all night long.

–

Eventually, Ella found her way back to her room. She quietly let herself into her stateroom and began taking her jewelry off as quickly as she could. She ripped the headband out of her hair and threw it across the room. She ripped the hairpins that were holding her hair up and the long wavy blonde hair fell down her back. That was when Elinor caught her reflection in the mirror and saw how truly awful she looked. She slumped down into her chair and sighed. How did a man she had not seen since she was a child, have such an affect on her? She knew the answer of course. Elinor had never stopped loving him. She would never forget the night she had been having a nightmare and she cried out in her sleep for Harry. Joseph had rushed into her room and had attempted to comfort her. He had heard her cry out for another man, confirming all of his fears. She had never really loved him like that, but he still resolved to be her friend. Her husband had known how sad Elinor truly was.

She was broken from her thoughts at a gentle knock at the door, "Ma'am?" It was Louise. "Come in," Elinor said softly.

Louise entered the room and gasped at the sight of Elinor, "What happened?!" She cried. She rushed over to Elinor and sat down beside her, "Are you okay?"

Elinor shrugged, "Dafyyd's special guest was Harry," she mumbled.

Louise's eyes went wide, "What?!" Elinor had told Louise all about Harry one day when she had been cleaning and found the letters and the photos, never mind the night that Harold's parents came to Elinor's show and she had cried until two in the morning.

"He is an officer on this ship," Elinor said quietly, "Can you help me out of my dress? My corset hurts."

Louise nodded and helped Elinor stand to her feet. She began to unlace the dress from the back and pulled it up over Elinor's head, "But have we not always talked about your desire to see him again? You still love him, do you not?"

Elinor gave a pitiful sob, "I cannot be with him-there is too much that has happened. My heart hurts when I think about him."

"But Ella," Louise began unlacing the corset, "Is he married or anything like that?"

"I did not see a ring on his finger." Elinor sighed, "But we are so far apart from each other in our lives."

Louise rolled her eyes, grateful Elinor could not see it, it was so typical of her to make excuses. "If you say so, ma'am. But, I do believe you should talk to him." She finished getting Elinor out of her corset and into a nightgown, "Do you need anything else?"

Elinor nodded, "Do you think you could try and fetch a bite to eat for me? I never did eat."

Louise nodded, "I will do my best to see what I can whip up."

Elinor gave a small smile, "Thank you."

Louise had not been gone for five minutes when a gentle knock came on the door, "Elinor, it's me."

"Go away, Daffyd," She growled.

"Look I wanted to apologize," he sounded contrite, "I really thought you had moved on and that it would be okay. We used to all be such great friends."

Elinor jumped to her feet and went to the door, yanking it open, "Dafyyd you are a damn fool."

"What?" He looked perplexed, "I do not understand!"

"Dafyyd, I have never stopped loving that stupid fool of a man and seeing him tonight simply reminded me of everything I have lost over the last several years." Elinor was glaring at her older brother, "I felt like my heart broke all over again."

"Elinor, I am so sorry," he told her, "Truly."

She sighed, "Just never go behind my back again."

"I promise I will not," Dafyyd said, earnestly.

"Now goodnight, big brother," She told him before leaning up to kiss her brother on the cheek. She closed the door behind her and returned to her spot under her blankets. After awhile, Louise returned with a silver tray of biscuits, tea, and a sandwich, "Best I could find this late, ma'am."

Elinor smiled, "Thank you, Louise."

–

"Blimey, you look like hell!"

Harold glared across the breakfast table at Jim Moody, "I did not sleep at all."

"Why?"

Will walked behind the junior officer and cuffed him on the back of his head, "Finish eating so you can get to work."

"I just asked a question!" Jim cried defensively.

Harold stared down at the food on his plate. A mishmash of eggs, bacon, sausage, toast, and a bowl of fruit stared back at him. He figured Chief Officer Wilde had been informed about what had happened the night before, because he had been ordered by the Chief to eat a big breakfast, "It will make you feel better," he had told him. Except, Harold was not hungry at all. He had spent the entire evening thinking about Elinor and how much he had screwed up. He kept thinking about the what-ifs, like what if they could have been married right now if he had not been so foolish and had walked into that house that day. Maybe they would have had children already, he had always thought being a father would be incredible. He sighed and pushed the plate away from him and buried his face in his hands. It was not healthy to be contemplating all of these things, but he could not help it. He reached for his cup of coffee and took a deep gulp of the hot beverage.

"Lowe you need to eat," Murdoch said quietly.

"I know." Harold sat the cup of coffee down and finally reached for his fork and knife.

–

"Oh Elinor darling, I am so pleased to see that you are feeling better this morning."

Elinor has gone with Dafyyd the next morning to the veranda cafe to take in their breakfast. When they arrived at the table, Lady Duff Gordon and some of the other socialites of the first class were waiting.

"Thank you very much, Lucille. I just had a bit of a shock so to say," she smiled, "Nothing to worry about."

"Well I am glad to see you up and about. Please sit!"

Elinor enjoyed finally being able to talk to some of her friends. The sailing was smooth, the food was divine, and the tea was hot and sweet, just as she liked it. Half way through the meal, Bruce Ismay came by the table to say hello to Dafyyd and some of the others who were dining together. Beside him was an older man with a white hair and beard, wearing a similar uniform to the one that Harold had been wearing the night before. Elinor blanched at the thought of Harold and quickly changed her train of thought, "Mr. Ismay, you have yet to introduce us to your companion," she reminded him gently.

"Ah so you are right, Ms. Davies. Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to introduce you to Captain Edward Smith. Titanic is his last hurrah as they say, and he has been a very fine captain all of these years," Mr. Ismay smiled, clearly seeming very proud as if he had been involved personally in Captain Smith's success.

Elinor offered her hand to the captain, "Well it is very nice to meet you, sir. My name is Elinor Davies and this is my older brother Dafyyd."

The Captain smiled warmly at her and shook her hand, "An honor to meet you as well, Ms. Davies. My wife has traveled to London quite a few times to see your plays. I will have to let her know that you are on board. She will be very envious."

Elinor laughed, "Well remind me before the trip is over and I shall send along a note for your wife."

His eyes twinkled, "That is very generous of you."

"Well we do not wish to keep you all," Mr. Ismay said suddenly, "We have to get along and discuss some information with the ship."

"Thank you very much for stopping to say hello," Lucille smiled.

The men bowed to the table and Elinor watched them as they walked down to another table. They immediately began a discussion and Elinor's attention was pulled back to her own conversation, "Oh hello Mrs. Brown," she heard Lucille say through pursed lips, "How nice to see you again."

"Oh Lady Gordon, I didn't even see you there!" Molly Brown smiled, "I came over here because I was dining with the Astors and we were discussing whether or not your guest here was Elinor Davies! I determined it had to be so I decided to come over and introduce myself."

"Well how do you do," Elinor smiled and stood up to introduce herself to the woman.

"I saw you in Romeo and Juliet in France and I thought you were just superb. I think I must have gone three or four times with some of my pals!" Molly beamed.

"Oh well thank you so much! That is so kind of you to say!" Elinor truly meant it. Even though she had been acting for several years now, she still loved getting genuine compliments from fans.

"I was wondering if you would care to join some friends and I for tea this afternoon? I would love to pick your brain about a couple of things," Molly asked.

Elinor laughed, she wondered briefly if all Americans said things like 'pick your brain,' "I would be delighted!"

Molly beamed, "Great, I will see you here at two!"

The two women made their goodbyes and then Elinor returned to her seat.

"Oh Elinor, that Brown woman is so vulgar," one of the women at the table said.

Elinor frowned, "Why?"

"Oh she is just so American and new money. So classless," another said.

Elinor rolled her eyes, "I am by all accounts, new money. She seems lovely and what I do in my spare time is none of your business." She took a final bite of her breakfast and stood from her seat, "Ladies I thank you for your time. I think I am going to go take a walk around the ship."

She looked to her brother, "Are you going to stay here, Dafyyd?"

Dafyyd slowly stood to his feet, "No I will join you." He bowed to the group at the table, "Thank you for the pleasure of your company." He took his younger sister's arm and escorted her out of the cafe and up to the boat decks.

Xxx

A/N- thank you for the reviews I have gotten so far, and I ask that you keep them coming. They help! :)


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

"Elinor, are you okay? You have barely said one word since breakfast."

She looked at her brother and shrugged. The siblings had been walking the deck for what had to of been an hour by now. Her mind was thousands of miles away, thinking about how mean the women she had dined with that morning had been about Molly, and every so often her thoughts would be taken back to Harold when she had seen a man on deck that was dressed like him. "I was thinking of Mrs. Brown," Elinor said slowly, "And how rude they were to her."

"Aye," Dafyyd nodded his head, "It did seem a little odd that they behaved so rudely."

"Sometimes people can behave so oddly," She shrugged again, "I think I want to lay down before I go to tea."

Dafyyd nodded, "I am going to enjoy the sunshine a bit longer, is that okay?"

She nodded, "I will see you later." Elinor smiled warmly at her big brother and then returned to her stateroom. When she arrived in the room, she noticed an ivory colored envelope sitting on the table, with her name written in script. Elinor picked it up, carrying it with her into her bedroom, where she sat down on the side of the bed. The handwriting seemed oddly familiar to her, and as she carefully opened the envelope, a picture fell out of it, confirming who she suspected it was from. Elinor picked the photo up from where it had fallen on her lap and she turned it over carefully in her hands. The image that stared back at her was one she had not thought about in a very long time. She was in the picture, thirteen years old with her hair a wild mess of frizz and curls. Her brothers were wrestling in the photo while she looked at the camera, calm and demure, despite her outward appearance. On the other side of her brothers, stood Harry. He had a slight smirk in the way he looked at the camera and Elinor remembered that day vividly. It was the first day of summer holidays, he had just returned from his boarding school and the four Davies children and Harry had gone down to the shops to buy candy. A photographer was opening his business and had asked if he could take their image. They had each gotten a photo, one slightly different from the last. Elinor had always loved the one Harry had gotten, because of how calm they both had been, and that smirk he had worn. She sighed at the memory and reached for the piece of paper that had been carefully folded and placed inside of the envelope.

 _Elinor, I have been unable to think about anything else since last night._

 _It is consuming my mind. I wish I could go back and do it all over again._

 _I should have fought for you. I know our parents and friends always kind_

 _of laughed at us, because we were just kids, but I truly loved you-I still_

 _love you. I will never stop loving you. I will do everything I can to make_

 _it up to you. Your sailor boy, Harry._

Elinor sighed and looked down at the photograph in her hands. She could not believe that he had kept it after all of these years. She felt a storm of emotions between her head and heart, because the fear of being hurt again overwhelmed her tremendously. She carefully propped the photo up against her bedside lamp and put the note away in her nightstand. Elinor fell asleep, unable to think about anything else except for Harry and what could have been.

–

"Well you seem to be feeling better," Will smiled at Harry, "What has happened?"

Harold shrugged, "Well sir I have decided to fight for her, so as to show her my feelings for her have never ceased and to show her how sorry I am."

"Good man," Will beamed.

"Fight for who?"

Harold turned to see Boxhall who was looking at the pair with a skeptical glance.

"The girl I have been in love with since I was fourteen years old is on this ship," Harold told him, matter of factly.

Joseph's eyes went wide, "Really?"

"Well if you were so in love with," Moody had decided to join the conversation, "Why didn't you marry her?"

Harold sighed, "It is complicated."

"Alright, so you're gonna fight for her then," Joseph walked over and leaned across the railing, looking down at the deck, "What do you have in mind?"

Harold opened his mouth to speak and then closed it again, he actually had yet to think that far ahead. At least, not beyond the letter that he had written. "That is a good question."

"So you're gonna fight for her," Jim began slowly, "But you don't know how?"

Harold scowled, "Well I was thinking-"

"Gentlemen!"

They all spun around to see the Captain standing with Bruce Ismay beside him. The voice had been Ismay's and he looked positively enraged, "I assure you the White Star Line is not paying you to stand around and chatter."

The officers quickly dispersed into different directions, Harold walked down the deck, muttering something about checking a rope, Joseph headed for the map room, and Jim began acting like he was checking the time and then took off towards the mail room.

"I apologize sir," Will began, "But they were actually preparing to go on a break."

Ismay rounded on him, "Then they should have done so and then returned to work. I will make note of this when we return to England."

"Yes sir," Will gave a curt nod of his head and remained silent as the Captain and Ismay walked around the bridge.

Harold had gone half way down the deck before sitting down in a secluded area and began wracking his brain for ideas. What on Earth could he do? Maybe he could invite her to a romantic supper, or show her the ship-If the Elinor he loved was still in there, and he believed she was, then he could take her to the restricted, crew members only parts of the ship, for he knew she would love the excitement of it. He had also heard talks about the wild party that had happened in third class the night before, lots of dancing and merriment, while not necessarily romantic per-say, she might enjoy the opportunity to go dancing and let loose. The first thing he decided to try was to arrange a supper for the two of them. Harold got to his feet and headed for the Verandah Cafe. He had worked with some of the staff there before and knew they would help arrange for a meal.

He arrived at the busy cafe within a few minutes, and immediately sought out Giulio Casali, one of the waiters who worked there. Harold quickly explained the story to Giulio who smiled while he listened to the story, "Lowe, I wanna help but I have to say the officers dining area is hardly romantic. How about you bring her here tonight?"

"Well," Harold said, looking around the crowded area, "I want it to be somewhat private and intimate."

Giulio thought for a minute, "The Verandah on the Starboard side is usually pretty empty in the evenings. Mostly mothers and their children come there during the day, but hardly at night. We can ensure the privacy you desire."

Harold beamed, "Really?"

"Yes, we can make it truly romantic and lovely for you both."

Harold slapped the man on the back, "Thanks for that. I truly appreciate it. I will be back at six-thirty."

"Good luck!" Giulio told him, smiling.

Harold took off out of the cafe like a lightning bolt as he rushed back to the bridge. To his relief, Ismay had long since gone so he was able to slip into the map room and find paper and a pencil. He wrote a quick note asking Elinor to join him at the cafe for supper. He then found a steward who was able to help him track down which room was Elinor's and he slipped it under her door, before taking off again for the upper decks.

–

Elinor woke up some time later, her sleep had been rough and plagued with thoughts, and she seriously hoped the entire trip would not be so restless. She climbed out of bed and found Louisa sitting in the parlor room, "Louisa, I need help dressing for tea."

Louisa smiled, "Of course. Also," she picked up a piece of paper off the coffee table, "This came for you while you were sleeping."

Elinor picked up the paper and read it quickly, "Supper?" she asked, perplexed.

"Oh Elinor, what is the worse that is going to happen?" Louisa asked, clearly exasperated.

"My heart gets broken again," Elinor told her, simply.

"Only if you let it. It is just supper, go and have fun and try to relax." Louisa followed Elinor into her bedroom and began going through the different tea dresses, "This lavender one is pretty."

"What about the pink one?" Elinor asked, "With the lace slip on jacket?"

Louisa found the dress hanging up that she was referring to, "This one always looks very pretty on you as well."

"I guess," Elinor sighed as Louisa brushed out her hair and restyled it, "Go ahead and inform Mr. Lowe that I will join him tonight."

Louisa beamed, "Oh I am so happy to hear that."

"And hopefully I will not live to regret it," Elinor mumbled. She finished preparing herself and left to join Molly for tea, her mind somewhere else all together. She was nervous and scared to be allowing Harold into her life, she was so completely convinced that he would hurt her again, that the idea was almost paralyzing. As she walked, the thought became more and more stressful to her and Elinor began mumbling lines aloud from plays she had performed before, "By the two Goddesses, now can't you see, all we have to do is idly sit indoors, with smooth roses powdered on our cheeks." She arrived at the Persian Cafe a moment later, feeling better after having run through lines in her head, and immediately found Molly and joined her at her table with JJ and Madeline Astor. Elinor's anxieties were, for the time being anyway, pushed far from her mind.

A/N- I apologize for the spaced out time between chapters and for it being shorter than the last few. It has been a long week and it is finals week at that! I graduate in one week which is really weird and freaky to think about...oh and I'm packing up my apartment (well I'm supposed to be)

Reviews are cool because they keep me motivated. Let me know what you like or don't like, what you wanna see, stuff like that.


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